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Dear Everyone,

I’m in the process of migrating my blog site to a more official website.  For those of you who follow me by email, I’m able to keep your email addresses.  However, for those of you that follow me through WordPress, please come over to my new mailing list and sign up, so that we can stay in touch. I’d hate to lose you in this transition. Thank you!

best,
Bob

A Smirk and a Laugh towards Self-Actualization

This weekend, I’ve been updating my website – the “About Me” and “Work With Me” sections are more fleshed out, and they now more explicitly describe my experience and what I provide. As I was working with my partner (and personal live-in life coach) to draft the language, I remembered how incredibly specific my offerings are; for some people, I really am the most fitting (and possibly, only) person with whom to work.

My ideal client has likely already read the relevant self-help books, and maybe even some of the research and philosophy underlying it. They have already inventoried where they are brilliant and where they are silly, but they may want me to help them with that accounting and what to do with the balance.

Vague warmth and reassurance won’t get past their need for accuracy, they don’t need validation about how something was hard — they want laser-sharp empathy with a scientific rigor. Any search for a random or obvious way to “offer something” will insult the fact that they have already considered most everything; they long for an original voice and a new perspective, perhaps even to rest for a moment in the authority of a trusted thinker.

This reminds me of the labels on generic products that encourage the buyer to “compare to the active ingredients” in the name-brand. For many helping professionals, the generic product would be a self-help book. Or local therapy. Or one-size-fits-all life coaching. Or peer counseling. Or Nonviolent Communication retreats. I’m not putting these down; I’ve done all of them, and I have searched to find the best available in each category to support me, specifically.  (I have high standards, after all).

If a possible client couldn’t work with me, I would have specific books to recommend, tailored to that person. However, the closest to a replacement may be a personalized stand-up comedian who can engineer a series of thought and behavior changes that transform an individual or entire family system from pulling their hair out with frustration to having the communication skills to request what they want and make or renegotiate agreements with clarity and care.

Good luck finding the generic version of that. But much of what I share is teachable, not so much the decision or tactic in the moment, but how to position oneself in the world. A stance of processing with curiosity and humor inspires you to find whatever joke is needed in the moment.

Yes, I can listen to the pieces of a person’s story and put them together in a configuration where they can gain insight into how they ended up where they are and how they would like to proceed. But I’m not so much going for seeing the glimmer of hope in someone’s eyes, but instead closer to hearing the deep breath of relief for accurate and accepting empathy. I’m also going for the smirk, the beginning of a laugh, where what was once confusing and daunting becomes clear and light. Humor can have the perfect balance of validation and challenge, simultaneously holding “it makes sense how you ended up here” and “obviously, you don’t want to remain like this.”

Sadly, Target hasn’t figured out how to bottle a generic version of my humor. The original stuff is sold in a blue glass bottle for $4.19 per five ounces.

Language and Resistance: Am I Gifted, Bright, Normal or Dull, and Does it Even Matter?

Many people with beautiful minds hide it under a bushel basket. This stems not only from a longing for acceptance in a society that values egalitarianism, but also from resistance to facing the prospect of glorious existence. It takes courage to look at the highs and lows of our various capacities.

And the reticence of the adult gifted to be open and honest about how their mind works perpetuates a climate in which gifted children do not feel fully invited to shine.

I remain sad and perplexed after many leaders in the gifted field provide what seems to be an obligatory reluctance to use the word “gifted”.  Yet no replacement term captures the fullness of the gifted experience; nothing else points to the creativity, intensity, complexity, and depth that often resides in the gifted mind.The new term “eXtra intelligent” seems silly. I might have a little extra ketchup on my fries, but intelligence is not a commodity with a sweet spot of utility beyond which there is no marginal value. I want all I can have.

I feel the deepest gratitude for Dr. Linda Kreger Silverman’s recent book “Giftedness 101.” This primer could be fundamental to introducing caring adults to the modifications required for educating, counseling, parenting and loving gifted people, as called for in the Columbus Group’s definition of giftedness as asynchronous development. And, even with her book, I would like to see a broader consideration of neurodiversity.

Asperger’s had the spotlight as one of the primary twice-exceptionalities in gifted work for a number of years; consideration of dyslexia is now on the rise. I would like each individual to have a sense of what is beautiful about their mind. Yes, some minds are quantitatively and qualitatively different from the norm. And that difference matters.

When a person says they have a beautiful (or fascinating) mind, ask for more information. Say “Tell me about it” instead of “How dare you say that!” Any self-reflective person has already taken an honest look at self-doubt, and they need the fundamental validation that they have an interesting existence in the world before they can take on any subtle challenges about how to reach others and have their intended impact.

One person being gifted does not cause another person to be dull, just as one person being athletic or tall does not cause another person to gain or lose those traits. The world has highs and lows, and we should recognize and serve each instead of presuming they equal out in a global balance. In fact, we have a world of individuals with differences, and neither the field nor the players are equal.

Although all people matter and have dignity, honesty about gifts and challenges is necessary to harness the gifts and overcome the challenges. If you happen to be typical or dull, maybe don’t stress about it. If you are gifted or brilliant, I would weep if you don’t pay attention. Your glory, and the world’s benefit from your brilliance, is at stake.

Top Ten Signs You Might be in a Gifted Relationship

Throughout my work with individuals, couples, and families, I have found that my clients feel incredible relief when I empathically express that I understand their exasperation. In my personal life, I have contributed to and received similar exasperation… so I get it.

And I have told many families with gifted children, “This intensity may be tough for years to come, but you will at least have a cool kid to have dinner with.” With both parental relationships and romantic relationships, there is a corresponding hope of light and lightness after a dark and heavy journey.

Inspired by a conversation with my partner Sara (who happens to be a life coach for gifted women) about how to support clients in relationship, we worked together to draft a list of indicators that the characteristics of giftedness are impacting your relationships. The list below is geared towards couples, but I trust that it may also reflect the dynamics of some parent-child relationships:

10. You are pulling your hair out, and you tremble to admit that you have considered what it would be like to have a less intense, but cool-enough partner or child.

9. For perhaps the first time in your life, you can talk to somebody for hours and hours and never get bored.

8. Words expressed in anger have a ringing poetry that simultaneously infuriates and compels you.

7. You are right, and you care, but for the first time in your life you are contemplating letting go.

6. You are wrong, and you know it, and for the first time in your life you are contemplating letting go.

5. You can foresee this person’s place in your life and household as incredibly joyous, if you don’t lock them out beforehand.

4. After a ridiculously challenging fight, you want to talk and vent to somebody who really gets you… and the only one for the task is the person with whom you just fought.

3. You are having new thoughts with increased depth, clarity, and simplicity.

2. You have a renewed perspective on your developmental potential, and you feel more driven than ever to pursue your passions.

1. This person brings out the best in you and the worst in you, and you have no idea how to reconcile that complexity.

If any of these items are a signpost for your struggles, know that Sara and I are planning to publish upcoming articles specifically outlining how to cope and communicate within these relationships in a way that honors both your and your beloved’s dignity.

Believe me when I say that it really is possible to swim in bliss with your love, and I get that it’s a tough journey to decide how long and hard to keep trying. Read more about my work and hit me up for a free 20-minute call to determine if we’d work well together.

Dear Neurotypical Woman Who Loves an Aspie Man,

Thank you for reading this.  I hope it contributes to empathy, to your sense of being understood. I hope it unravels some pain that may have been crazy-making.

I have studied both engineering and therapy.  I was born logical and have learned emotions. I also understand both Asperger’s and giftedness.  If you love a man with Asperger’s, I imagine he may also be gifted: it is hard for an Aspie to find love if he is not gifted, and the attraction of his gifts inspires his beloved to so actively seek support.

I don’t know how many digits you can repeat forwards and backwards (a joking marker for a certain kind of intelligence), but I imagine you bring a gigantic amount of warmth and care (an intelligence I value more).

I am aware that much written about neurodiversity in relationships can be pessimistic. Not all Aspies are as charming as David Finch, whose Journal of Best Practices is accessible and entertaining. I wonder about you and your man.

What draws you to him? What about his perspective helps him see you in a way for which you long to be known?  In what ways does he push you away?  Is there a message that you would love him to take in that he can’t seem to get?

I bet that some of the pain is so obvious that you feel like you can’t talk to anybody about it, at least without receiving expected and unoriginal advice to throw in the towel. Some of the simplest things become so complicated!

How far should you stretch to meet your man where he is?  Do you feel called to bring him closer to you and the world you enjoy?  And is he willing (yet) to take the initial steps?  If he’s not, what is your willingness to sit with him and compassionately hold his obstacles, knowing he may or may not shift?

What do you know about him that he hasn’t taken in yet?  I imagine he might feel so embarrassed and sad as he takes in needs of yours that haven’t been attended to (or met) the way you both want. How could he take in more coaching if he is drowning in guilt anyhow? Your love will help.

And I hold all these questions with you.

Work with me,

Bob

P.S. If you’re a neurotypical man who loves an Aspie woman, the above still applies. Same with LGBTQ relationships.

The Wisdom of Criticism

My last article discussed how to be cautious when pointing out subtleties and patterns in other people.  This time, I’d like to reflect on what to do when being on the receiving end of those sometimes painful observations.

When I was a kid, my father chose select moments to remind me not to be an asshole.  He selected those moments for good reason, but I wasn’t curious at the time.  I didn’t believe I was an asshole, so his words were wasted on me.  And he never recommended a replacement behavior or identity, so I just found loopholes and made slight adjustments as the list of “what not to do” grew. I never considered any gem of truth in his words. I soon responded to criticism as part “that’s his problem” and part “water flowing off a duck’s back.”

Was my father offering social-skills training, or was he bullying me?  Well, it’s complicated.

So now, in my 30s, I’ve begun to take a more humble look at the wisdom of others, even when it presents as criticism.  Imagine what would’ve happened if I had stopped and reflected on his observations instead of dismissing them.  Or imagine if I had found a powerful insight, rather than internalizing negative feedback.

Let’s start with the example of the gifted child.  Nearly all gifted children were likely identified as different than their age-mates… by their age-mates.  And those age-mates may have responded with criticism, mocking, or exclusion.  Age-mate bullying is unskillful and unkind responses to two things: what they observe, and what they think it means about them. At the same time as the response was uninvited and painful, the initial observation may have been accurate. Difference is noticed.  We can still disagree (strongly!) with the response to difference.

Of course, childhood isn’t the only time when we hear potentially cruel or difficult criticism.  I’ve also heard friends and adult clients talk about romantic breakups.  I’m sure many of us can remember that first hurtful name we were called in the earliest fight we can remember with our beloved.  Or with those with whom we’ve parted ways, we can remember with pain in our hearts the reason stated for the breakup.  In addition to my own experience with this, I’ve seen clients heal as they take a fifth or sixth look at prior criticism from romantic partners.

I’m aware that this may sound like I’m saying to listen to your childhood bullies, verbally aggressive fathers, and angry partners, but there’s still something more powerful than ignoring or refuting the people in your life when they have some challenging (and even potentially cruel) feedback.

Of course, I appreciate the work for self-acceptance, and I certainly don’t want to advocate that children or adults beat themselves up when criticized.  What I’m proposing is an even more solid self-acceptance that’s rooted in accurate and unflappable self-understanding.  If I am to be called a name, I want to trust my self-understanding enough to be curious about their motivation for pointing something out.

Ask yourself: Is it news to me? If this trait has always been there, why are they pointing  it out at this moment? Have many people been trying to deliver this message throughout my life, and I am newly open to taking in some challenging feedback?

And then talk to them.  Acknowledge their observation.  “I can see why you think that, are you noticing how I _______?”  And perhaps ask them:  “How has this impacted you?”  Be psychologically savvy without being responsible for their process.

We want those who experience criticism to be solid and self-accepting without neuroticism and self-defensiveness. The neurotic takes criticism as “What does this say about me?”, and the defensive would simply label it as projection and not take another look.

I’d rather look at what it means about everybody involved and our impacts on each other. Even the ill-intended have powers of observation; totally unfounded criticism hurts less. Let’s remain solid as we ask for and receive feedback; all feedback is about all involved, both the giver and receiver of criticism.

The truth is… my father had a gem of wisdom.  The break up talk has a gem of wisdom.  Even a bully has a gem of wisdom to be gleaned, or at least an observation that can be used for insight.  Find it and use it.

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Somebody teasing your kid? Need to know how to support them?  Read about me, check out my work, and email to schedule a free consult.

How to avoid being a psychopath in intimate relationships: Part 1

It’s a fine line between healthy spiritually-sanctioned detachment and an almost psychopathic lapse in empathy that pokes and prods with cold insight.  I often walk that line, and I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how to keep the former while minimizing the latter.

This is the first of a multi-part series on how to avoid being a psychopath in our intimate relationships.  You can secretly thank me later.

Just to clarify early on, I’m not talking about the psychopathy that reveals itself as harming animals as a child.  Instead, I describe a capacity to apply strategic logic in a way that sees people as objects with a detached observation that leads to jarring and insensitive comments.  I see these capacities for logic and detachment as aspects of neurodiversity, which can show up in intimate relationships without resulting in criminal behavior.

When you have incredible observational skills, heightened sensitivity and awareness, and an uncanny ability for strategic thought (and you partner with someone with comparable intensities), all hope for romance can be quickly shaken.

Last week, my partner Sara and I went on a roadtrip and listened to the audiobook of “The Science of Evil: Zero Degrees of Empathy” by Simon Baron-Cohen; and two nights ago, we finished up the first season of Hannibal.  Together, we’ve been engrossed in the study of psychopathy, and I’ve been thinking a lot about how some of my behaviors in relationship (and at work… and everywhere else) can be seen as cruel.

My tendency towards detached observation has always been there.  But perhaps it was well-reinforced by some of my training.  I have long been inspired by the teachings of Marshall Rosenberg and the process called Nonviolent Communication that he developed. The process-language includes gaining clarity about the focus of a conversation (Observation), vulnerably expressing how it matters to us (Feelings and Needs), and asking for what we want next (Connection Requests or Solution Requests).

Many people benefit from the training to make observations clear and specific, without resorting to evaluations or judgment (or inaccuracy).  It turns out, I did not need further help becoming rigorous in my observations; my path is to learn vulnerability in self-expression.

Sometimes, my communication style is just “OK”: I make an Observation that speaks for itself, and the second sentence is an implied Kabaam!!!  By coldly pointing out a detail (intentional and unnecessary use of reassurance, time spent talking, or sudden shifts of focus), I can unravel my well-intentioned partner right in the middle of an excited conversation. With my singular focus on efficient use of my own time, I can be some combination of oblivious to and disinterested in secondary impacts… like my beloved not wanting to be my friend.

But then, with some processing time, I notice.  And it turns out I care.

In an effort to defend myself to a partner, I’ve often argued that people pay professionals for empathic mirroring, and to see what sometimes nobody else has ever seen.  And I have the ability to notice strengths, like a potential that has been dormant.  Or I can point out deficits, like a precise surgery that removes a splinter or beam from an unseeing eye.  As a professional, especially one who has taken a look at his own deficits, this is an incredible strength.

In relationships, however, partners more frequently prefer to be seen and known for their beauty.  Even if you have a pretty strong hunch about a micro-expression, the initial trappings of a behavior pattern, or even a sense of the unconscious revealing itself, a partner may not want to hear about it, especially when she’s in the thick of it. Some observations, no matter how accurate, are not immediately welcome.  No partner wants a detached observation of their situation. They want a present and accepting partner who can hold them with compassion.

So, now to my point:  what does one do with an ability to notice subtle expressions and surprising word choice?  How can someone so good at observation remain empathic in an intimate relationship?

Perhaps, notice privately, and choose an appropriate emotional response and a course of action that includes your partner’s hopes.  You are not claiming to be a mind-reader, but you are practicing care and consideration. I used to rail against what I named “speculative contribution”, envisioning instead a world where everything was clearly observed and named, and every action was framed with its context and followed with a request. That may be the paradise of a logical thinker like myself, but I prefer joining the pile of a neurodiverse humanity where people have different preferences in what observations are shared, and when.

The truth is, most intelligent people are capable, upon reflection, of detached observation.  In certain heated moments, however, sharing detached observations can result in the other person experiencing a sense of being accused, attacked, or prodded.  If your insight is a knife, don’t cut your partner in the middle of his or her experience, whether pleasant or challenging.

Instead, wait until you are in bed, lying safely in each other’s arms.
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Hungry for more? Scroll down to subscribe to my blog posts and read the next in my multi-part series on how to avoid being a psychopath in intimate relationships. In the meantime, read about me, check out my work, and email to schedule a free consult.

Do you have a moment to read about framing?

If I could take a guess, you are thinking:

Is this the kind of article that I could read while multitasking?
How much attention does this compel?
How long might this take me?

Good writing should both lead you in and tell you where we are headed together, giving the reader enough information to experience full choice about how to continue.

Why should conversations be any different?

I really enjoy when conversations are framed at the outset. A close friend who knows me well foreshadows conversations: “Bob, I’d like to discuss our plans for the baseball game.” This allows me to adjust my focus; anything less might be experienced as abrupt.

Seriously – at any given moment, I’m already running seventeen different thoughts, and I would need a moment to realize and choose to pay attention to another.  I’m easily caught off-guard. And although there may be some objective validity to this preference for framing, I know that my struggles are at least in part related to some of my habitual difficulties, aka “lagging skills,” with transitions.

As it turns out, I know quite a bit about my “lagging skills.”  Most of us don’t inventory our executive-functioning abilities.  I do.  And the first ability listed in the “Assessment of Lagging Skills & Unsolved Problems” at the Center for Collaborative Problem Solving is “Difficulty handling transitions, shifting from one mindset or task to another.”  Oh boy.

What does this feel like for me? I can get so caught up in my train of thoughts that everything feels like interruption. I experience every conversation I do not initiate as jarring.  I’m not trying to be an asshole; it’s just how it is.

As you can probably imagine, this can be hard for the people in my life to handle.  As a kid, there was never a good moment for my father to remind me to mow the lawn; I was always engaged in something.  Nowadays, when my day job is stressful, I find myself muttering “Leave me alone” to every knock on my office door. And when a colleague (otherwise warm and welcoming) attempts to initiate a conversation with me without first checking if I want to talk, I consider this inconsiderate and struggle with how to appropriately respond.

In these types of situations, I alternately present as an object for charity and a badass. Instead of yelling at my colleague to go away, I let her think I was awkward and weak by acting confused; I just wanted her to get the message to leave me alone without my having to say it outright. Nothing about her inspires me, and there is no need for her to take that in.  As much as I work to take responsibility for my own thriving in the world, I just wish there was more consideration. In my fantasy world, before initiating a conversation, people would ask if I had a moment.

Of course, we usually can’t make our fantasy worlds come true without some effort.

For many lagging skills, including this one, we can train kids and encourage adults to overcome their developmental delays. And sometimes, we can set them up for success and make transitions easier on them. Colleagues and I call giving advance notice “frontloading”, and it gives people a chance to gather their internal resources (including focus) to attend to the new person or idea.  My struggles with transition mean that I can fully relate to those with similar lagging skills, and I can coach loved ones on how to communicate more effectively with them.

I may love the color blue, but I hate when things come out of the blue.

Literal thinking is in my bones

As we all know, if two cars meet at the same time at a four-way stop, the car to the right has the right-of-way. Last year, I realized that there is an informal range of a fraction of a second which counts as “the same time.” Historically, when I’ve anticipated a close call, I became hypervigilant about which car arrives first, leaning forward to perceive that tiny fraction of a second. I’ve even found myself arriving at the stop sign, feeling surprised when a car that stopped four feet before the sign proceeds through the intersection. Literal thinking becomes exhaustively exacting when the situation calls for understanding what is close enough.

My literal thinking fuels what I have called an “accuracy fetish.”

Within intense conversations, I often become fixated on a detail that I see differently at the expense of a holistic focus on the big picture. In my romantic partnership, I’ve learned to name the accuracy fetish and move on.  Acknowledging it helps to let it go. A previous partner told me, “You might be right about this, but being right won’t keep you warm at night.”

There are certainly warmer warmths than being right; but still, I often notice other gifted individuals retreating into a technicality at their own expense.  A kid might be eating lunch by himself, but at least he knows the ingredients of his mayonnaise.  Or an adult may have an accurate critique of a movie, but no one with whom to watch it.  Doesn’t sound very fun, right?   

I work with gifted individuals (and heck, even myself!) to assess not so much “right” and “wrong”, but to develop the self-awareness to notice those moments when we transition from having fun to not having fun. Most everyone likes fun; it can be connecting to see the shared humanity of a universal need. But how can those of us with such literal thinking let go of our need for accuracy and just settle into enjoyment with others?  And do we want to fully let go of our accuracy fetishes?

Not quite.  There’s a balance to be struck between pointing out keen insights and wisely letting them go.  I would like to get to a point of relaxed trust in myself so that my literal thinking can be utilized as needed, without provoking anxiety or defensiveness in myself or those around me.  Building that level of self-trust takes time.

In fact, it takes exactly seventeen days.  😉

Sometimes Deep Minds Work Slowly: Emotionality and Processing Time

Last week, a parent told me about some of the difficulties she faces with her emotional gifted child.  She was frustrated that her daughter seems unable or unwilling to identify and express her feelings when asked.  Up to this point, family therapy wasn’t getting anywhere, and she was starting to doubt herself and asking a common question for all parents: Am I a good parent?

I hope to offer some thoughts and perspectives to help see things in a new way.

Yes, identification of feelings can be helpful… and it’s only just the beginning. I know how frustrating it can be to not understand someone’s inner experience. You care so much, and you want to help them feel better so badly. I have been both the caring adult trying to understand a confused child, and I have been the confused child that did not understand myself.

My simple advice is this: assess for safety, and if there is no crisis, wait. While you wait, enter their world, and imagine how it is to be them. They may not directly tell you, but you can look around and guess.  I often have children use a list of words to identify their feelings. However, even my preferred Grok Nonviolent Communication Feelings and Needs cards, can be just as overwhelming as an open-ended question if a person just needs time.

When a kid replies “I don’t know” in response to you, it isn’t just about a lack of naming an internal experience; often there is also a fair share of “Leave me alone.”  I get why a parent would be curious, and it makes total sense why they would want that information.  Still, it may make parenting slightly easier to let their child have their experience for a period of time, without prodding and interrogation.  Can you trust their timing enough to delay the restorative process or teachable moment?  If you don’t, there is the risk that they will choose a random word off the list of feelings that doesn’t apply just so you will leave them alone until they have processed their own experience.

Sometimes deep minds work slowly.

Let’s give ourselves a break to look for lessons that we can learn about how to support gifted children.  I suspect perfectionism may play a role in this challenge: a child may feel tongue-tied because they struggle to accurately describe what is messy and clouded. As an adult, I have noticed myself saying, “I am having feelings.” This is my first step, sorting out what they are comes second. I’ve been trying to identify and sit with feelings for decades. Can we have a little patience as kids struggle with this? Also, can we understand each other by asking a broader question, such as “Are you having feelings?” A child who might not name a specific feeling, or even refuses to select a feelings card or point to a word on a list, may only truthfully be able to acknowledge that something is happening in their inner world.

And that’s a perfectly good start.

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I welcome your comments and discussion, and I will do my best to reply or address questions in future posts.  Visit me here if you are interested in learning more about my work with gifted individuals and their families.